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The weightlifter

New SLT signing Ali Merry came out fighting last night and promised the SLT fan club one thing, goals! The Broughty Ferry boy, who's house sits imperiously high above the small fishing village like a medieval castle, knows why he has been brought into the club and does not sound like he is going to shirk the challenge,

"It's the big games like these that I've come to this club for. I've been brought in to score goals and I just hope to repay the gaffer's faith on Sunday. KPMG look like a good side and there's no doubt it'll be a tough encounter, but I think I've joined a club that relishes the big occasion, so come Sunday we'll be ready. pony".

Words like that will have the sleeping support of the SLTs reaching for their tangerine tammies come Sunday morning for sure. It is suspected that Ali will partner his former tennis foe Iain "Slice" Miller in a two pronged attack dream team, this will of course be confirmed this afternoon when the team is announced through the site. Ali and Iain are both natural athletes after being young disciples of Dorothy Proctor, Tennis Doctor, an all-sport
guru from near the Glamis Road. Readers of the tabloids may remember the furore that followed Ali's defection to none other than former Shadows' frontman Cliff Richard's tennis school. Last night, neither Dorothy or Cliff were available for comment, and the suggestion that Cliff teams up with the SLTs for one final stab at a Christmas No.1 went unanswered.

The South West London face an intriguing test of their capabilities this
Sunday when they face up to a KPMG select 11 at Battersea Park astroturf,
k/o 12pm.

The high noon showdown is the SWLTs' first outing since their exhibition
match in Nailsea and will therefore be less emotional, but more
professional, than the latter.

Today, we caught up with SWLT Captain Neil Campbell who was in thoughful
mood regarding the game,

"I think Sunday's game will provide our toughest test to date. Such is the
importance of a good performance, in terms of team morale and the future of
our fledgling club, I would even go as far as suggesting an alcohol and sex
ban on Saturday night - which I will personally police".

Controversial words from the playboy skipper, and clearly something he has
been wanting to get off his chest for a while.

"As far as the team goes, I think we are all excited at the prospect of
seeing new signing Ali Merry team up with the Weightlifter up-front. Both
have been stunning in training. I must admit, however, that I am slightly
concerned regarding the physical condition of the Secretary after an untold
number of alcohol binges in the past weeks. Our team doctor, Steve Bell,
will of course test him for any traces of alcohol before the game".

The captain was just as stern as he continued,

"There will of course be no excuses come Sunday. The pitch is in fantastic
shape, we will be parading in our new strips, in front of about 1,500
travelling fans. I would encourage against complacency however - KPMG
are a known force and we are definitely the underdog in this fixture".

Then, with the sly smirk which is becoming famous throughout the land,
Campbell added,

"I am sure we will not disappoint".

The team for this mouth-watering fixture is to be released through the
website tomorrow, whilst Friday's Your Say will deal with the match
build-up (see Your Say section for details).



Rod Burns - Threw the floppy disks out of his mainframe after suffering a
fatal overload late on. Will be hoping that he can quick fix our frailties
by a simple "log-off and log-on" of our problematic defence before the next
outing. (4)

Gregor Dobbie - flamboyant stopgap centre half did well, especially with
him having to make the huge adjustment from the leotard to those G-sized
shorts. Must have felt like a home from home out there, what with a horse
beside him, a matt in the middle and a couple of swinging bars later on.

Malky Freeman - fat men can't jump, unless they hole from the sand on the
SLT's golf outing. Five yards off the pace, which is quicker than he's ever
been. (4)

Figo - A rock at the back. Very unfortunate that the delayed kick off meant
that he had to miss the last twenty minutes for his 2pm facial appointment.

Glen - would have run his socks off if they weren't so tight. Failed to get
booked, and missed his sparring partner Kev. (5)

Forsyth - two pinpoint passes provided simple goals in the second half,
while he looked offside on his goal late on. Unfortunately seemed to be at
a loss all game, struggling to spread anything successfully. (4)

Matt - Very unlucky with a couple of efforts, the fiesty foreigner chased
like a dog after a rat. Seemed to "Settle-Inn" well, and the SLTs could do
worse than to raid his former club and tie up the Running Man. (6)

Laingy - out of position, out of his mind. Lesser men might have tried to
"throw in" the towel, but he couldn't. (3)

Dave - outstanding distrubution and great marking. If we'd been playing in
blue against the tangerines. (4)

G - huffed and puffed but couldn't blow the KPMG house down. There was
little danger of the weightlifter celebration being spotted on Sunday,
spent a lot of the game with his head in his hands. (4)

Ali - The sunhatted terrior was shaded out by the KPMG rear-guard.
Struggled to keep the ball in play, had major problems with anything over
his head and his service was poor. Needs to work with his coach Dorothy on
hacking & developing a crisper volley. (5)

The President


The big man recovered from an apparatus disaster to pull off some wonder
stops. For a horrible moment it looked like he would be wearing a shellsuit
top without a zip but it was in a maroon t-shirt that he pulled off a great
save from the head of a hooligan.


Possibly his best performances for the SLTs, cleared off the line and gave
it his all. Some wonderful shouting and despairing gestures. Bottle of
Bolly for Malky.


Had a quietly effective game, marred by an effiminate push on one of the


The youngster was in great form, cocksure and quickfooted, the boy wonder
had a stormer.


Did well in his first 11 a side game for ten years, always good to recruit
a left footer.


Put in a good display on either flank, nearly had his leg broken.


The lovable Geordie was a powerhouse as always, was last seen just outside
the box looking for the remains of his right shin


Proved his critics wrong with a strong midfield performance, rattled the
bar and he (maggie) may have done enough to keep the position


The languid Londoner did very well. If he had been more laid back he would
have been horizontal


The dimpled cheeked charmer covered every blade of grass and took his
chance well.


Missed two sitters and scored a belter, am I the new Sergio?


Good and pacy on the pitch, hopeless with a flag in his hand

The Sparrow

Malcolm Freeman, secretary of the South London Tangerines has brought in a controversial "no birds" ban on club outings.
Only three weeks ago Freeman enforced the rule when the club spent the afternoon studying the Scottish Cup final game between Celtic and Hibs. The team spent most of the afternoon discussing the tactics of the teams and putting together potential formations for next season.
Freeman has decided yet again that this weekends club trip to Epsom races being funded by flambuoyant chairman Gregor Dobbie is a no women zone. Freeman told us "I don`t want a team of Frank Macavennie`s, I`m fed up of you press people following me, why don`t you get out of my bedroom."
Col, one team member said, "I don`t think I will be able to attend the club outing now that this rule has been brought in, I spent all last weekend with three birds, but I suppose there is a chance of pulling when I`m there and getting a quickie in the bushes."