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DOBBIE COULD BE A MONSTER HIT

But only if I stitch in bits of Kyle moans Freeman

Malcolm Freeman last night claimed that he could build a monster of a player by moulding Gregor Dobbie and Kevin Kyle into one player.

The SLT`s coach recons neither player can cut it at the highest level but a combination of their skills would produce a world class star.

And he is forcing the Dobbie to go to the park so that he can work on his game and learn from previous own-goals.



Freeman said "He seems to be waiting to become a really good player when he should realise already that he has enough to stop scoring own goals."

Last night president Iain Miller said "monster, monster..."




SLTS LEAVE WEDENSDAY OWLING IN DISBELIEF

3rd November 2002

Dundee United Supporters South London Tangerines FC: 7
Sheffield Wednesday: 1

Referee - a very nice guy who provided both the match ball and the half time entertainment
Attendance - a group of the owl's glamorous wifeҢ€™s being bothered by a tubby, jolly hibs fan

Tangerines show they are up for the cup with free flowing dismissal of Sheffield Wednesday

Without their leader, secretary Malcom Freeman, fans suspected that the organisational aspect of the SLTs might be forgotten. How right they were, as the SLTs arrived lacking a match ball and with only two pairs of official shorts between them.

With some of the leading players berating the club powers for the allegedly "amateurish" and "f**king Sunday league" preparations for such a big match (an allegation that has split the local media), all can be thankful that the players were wise enough to both bring their own shorts and prise a football from the loving arms of an incredibly enthusiastic referee.

Once the match started the SLTs set about their passing game smoothly, and at times you could have sworn there were more tangerine shirts on view than stripes. In fact, there were indeed more tangerines on the pitch due to the owls being two short of the full complement - the deficit being reduced to 1 when their captain arrived to loud jeers.

The way the SLTs played though, no one could argue that more Wednesday players would have altered the result. A number of good chances were created before the opening goal, a well crafted move involving the ball being shifted (somehow) from one wing to the other - keeper Rod claims the assist, not sure how legitimately - before Ben rolled his shot slowly under the keeper from the edge of the area. Not the first sign of weakness from the young owls keeper, he was shortly beaten again - this time more convincingly - from the penalty spot by skipper Glen. The goal was just reward for Glen's powerful run into and dainty pirouette inside the penalty box.

Following the fine example of his captain, Ben took an equally spectacular fall in the area and another penalty was rightly awarded to United. Whilst FG could certainly learn something from the manner in which the penalties were won, this time Glen could set no example, crashing his spot kick against the post.

This couldn't halt the SLTs flow; some fine football continued to be played and it was only a matter of time before another arrived. This duly came when a Sheffield clearance found itҢ€™s way to Dobbie. Waiting for the right pass to become available, the right back slid the ball to Jamie Snr who picked out Ben's run perfectly. The SLTs top scorer applied his usual crisp finish to make it 3-0 to the tangerines. It was obvious that with Alan, Kev, Dobbie and Dave G providing no opening to the OwlҢ€™s forwards, and the wide men Jamie Jnr and Ant having the freedom of the pitch, this match was only going one way.

Half time passed quickly with the teams being treated to a display of skills and private, one man football matches by the referee (the ref set a great example to FG, pointedly refusing to be riled by the stubbled strikerҢ€™s calls of offside). When play resumed it seemed as if the SLTs were still in shock at the spectacle, and nothing really happened for a little while. The calm was ended by a controversial (though no more than the reasoned arguments deserved) throw in reward for the SLTs. With plenty still to do the ball fell to Andy for another slick through ball to be slotted home by Ben. Another hatrick from the SLTs great value signing to cement his early lead in the scoring charts.

Andy followed his assist with a calm finish from Jamie's instinctive pass, and then the SLTs hopped aboard the show boat. With every player determined to dribble past as many players as possible, even centre back Kev got in on the act - twice he raced past statuesque Owls like a winger, twice he applied the finish of - sadly - a defender. The circus act-like match continued, with up to 98 passes (all within the six yard box or thereabouts) ending with an obviously impatient Glen rifling the ball home for the sixth.

The men of steel were now looking battered and blunt, and who better to polish them off than Fraser? With his life of leisure ending FG looked determined to enjoy himself for one last time, joyfully slamming the ball into the roof of the net from three yards once it had been put on a plate by Glen.

(OK, Sheffield Wednesday scored but itҢ€™s not that important ( Rod never deserved to be beaten with a fine if rarely called on performance)

As the final whistle blew, it was not a moment too soon for the boys in blue and white. The nature of the victory, seven goals being no reward for the outrageous amount of chances created, will make many of Sheffield Wednesday's first division colleagues fear the draw for the next round. It's clear that the careering bandwagon of the SLTs won't be satisfied with promotion - cup glory is also in their sights.


Man of the Match: Ben. A hatrick once more from the rapier-like striker.



The Wandsworth Diaries

Today's match reports see a double dose of SLT excitement for the fans, a double header straight from FG's wildest dreams. Twice the SLTs stepped onto the Wandsworth Common turf, and twice they walked off with three more points in their pocket.

28th September:

South London Tangerines Dundee United Supporters Club........2
Bolton Wanderers......1

Referee : A tubby Hibs fan,
Attendance - about five or six, maybe even more

A scrappy, hard fought win for the SLTs, proving the old pro's adage of winning ugly - not something many of the squad are naturally suited for. With the Ryder Cup providing a big enough draw for a few of the squad to only just make the kick off, the tangerines were rushing to make their tee off time.

Stretching a metaphor as far as it can go, the SLTs could not seem to find their swing at the start, a stuttering beginning to the first half seeing the ball given away a number of times. The pattern continued with the SLTs struggling to carve out chances, and the shaky period came to a slightly sorry end with Dobbie - surely suffering from muddy boots - unfortunate to beat the Bolton striker to the ball only to provide the finishing touch for him. Rod could only lie sprawled flat out in his goal in disbelief.

The shock galvanised the SLTs into making one of their famous formation changes, although as this reporter can't quite remember how they had started he's not sure to what formation they changed.

Whatever, it worked. The ball was pushed forward quickly, going down the wing yet also maybe through the middle, and being crisply despatched by Ben (probably - if it was he continued his scoring streak).

Half time saw the scores deservedly level, setting the scene for a determined second half performance from the tangerines. The goal was rarely threatened - bar an experienced challenge in the box from Alan. Would he have got the ball? Was it a penalty? It wasn't given - no further comment. The ball was cleared to the left wing, where a strong run by the SLT winger ended with the ball rolled across the box to the onrushing Andy. Obviously playing with the heavy weight of suspicion over his kit thieving antics lifted from his shoulders, Andy cleverly angled the ball to the keeper's right hand corner with his studs. Time stood still, but the ball eventually hit the back of the net and the crowd went wild. Two minutes later it was all over, and the tangerine machine had won without finding second gear.


PS: this was a long time ago so some of the details might be a little sketchy.
October 20th

South London Tangerines Dundee United Supporters Club........7
Hull City.......3

Referee - a real old fashioned gentleman ref, bizarrely sporting sunglasses and a cap with a very stern, but fun loving Ginger linesman

Attendance - about six (OK, including subs and a cold, united scarf wearing Doreen cos Malky had her bank card)

Back to the common for the SLTs, this time in a tricky looking away fixture against the tigers from Hull. A smoothly organised prematch build up saw a squad of 14 all turn up pretty much on time. On time, that is, bar keeper Rod - obviously desperate to mirror the professionals Rod kept the Hull side waiting with a protracted changing session on the sidelines. He escaped a booking, but this only served to fire up the opposition.

Indeed, it was the SLTs who were shaken by this show. No sooner had the whistle blown then the tigers took the game by the scruff of the neck. The boys in tangerine couldn't keep the ball for longer than Rod took to put his gloves on, resulting in a succession of corners for the be-striped opposition.

Hull duly scored the first from such a corner, then added a quick second after an unfortunate air shot in defence. At times like these it's important for those in nominal charge of tactics to take the lead. The captain and the secretary looked at each other; FG screamed for a change to 4-4-2. Shrugging, the two strongly did what he suggested, moving players about and giving Neil his second different position a total of four for the match.

The immediate improvement saw more short passing and, crucially, more use of the wings. The ball was worked through to Ben, running the ball to the goal line before being cruelly felled. Having marked his first appearance in tangerine with a well-struck penalty Jamie had no sign of nerves. His well scuffed shot went straight down the middle, leaving the keeper no choice but to dive out the way.

With half time seeing another change - this time in personnel - the SLTs were an even more purposeful unit when the game restarted. Weathering the early Hull storm, the SLTs broke and Andy was clear on the wing. The ball was worked to FG who's instinctive touch saw Ben with only the keeper to beat. Almost nonchalantly he grabbed his first of the game.

Hot on the equaliser҃¢Ң‚¬Ң„¢s heels came the moment that proved the tigers had been tamed, the ball being fed to Ben this time on the right and, with the last defender left sprawling, the SLTs were fired into the lead.

FG had been having his usual busy game, enjoying a great relationship with the ref the banter about his now standard three penalty appeals never fails to amuse. However, perhaps his greatest contribution was his well worn habit of spotting young talent, and, as per usual, he didn҃¢Ң‚¬Ң„¢t go looking too far for it. His next door neighbour Jamie had already made a great impact on the game when he fired the fourth past the hapless Hull keeper. A great moment for the young lad who played totally without fear, as only the young can do.

In ancient times the locals knew the common as a place to graze their sheep (editor pls check this), but surely no spring lambs could have enjoyed the space the SLTs were now allowed. The Hull defence had obviously lost its desire, and it was no surprise when the tireless running of FG brought its reward. A square ball found the stubbled number two ('the striker's shirt' readers will remember) and he made no mistake from six yards. His celebration took him to the touchline, where, after realising not one of his team mates had the energy to follow him, he substituted himself. Dobbie bolstered the already strong defence, shutting out all hope for the somewhat mangy looking tigers.

A freakish third from Hull (the tiger's first decent through ball of the half produced a crisp finish) was never going to be enough to halt tangerine flow, Ben wrapping up his hat trick with another elegant finish (he refused the match ball as he couldn't be bothered to bring it along to the next match).

The youthful exuberance of Jamie brought another, final goal. After the fourth or fifth had gone in FG had demanded six, with an eye on the long awaited first in the SLT greatest games video and DVD series.

'Seventh heaven' the unshaven number two muttered, 'I think we've found ourselves a title'. More importantly, if they can keep this up it could be only the first title of the season.


Man of the match: Ben.


South West London Tangerines Dundee United Supporters Club FC 5 -
Republic of Ireland 2

Date: 22nd September 2002
Attendance: 2 random kids (one of whom seemed to fancy FG)
Referee: Blair/one of their players

REPUBLICKED!

BOYS IN GREEN FEEL THE EIRE OF THE SLT'S

This Sunday saw another much changed line-up take the field. International duties had robbed the team of the midfield engine room, including last week's man of the match, Captain Tonks, who was on an Italian job.

No matter. When the kit finally turned up (suspicions again surfaced about scouse Andy and likely money making jaunts to Liverpool), the SLTs took to the serious business in hand: Arguing about the line-up. Fraser had the striker's jersey* - he literally had it and wouldn't give it back - so that was one decision made. Matters were complicated by the unexpected (but psychologically massive) return of star strike Blair - literally putting his groin on the SLT line by playing through hernia hell. Discussions eventually concluded and a strong SLT side stepped out on the (absolutely rubbish) pitch.

The Republic, to be fair, started quite brightly, passing the ball to each other without arguing once. A few decent challenges kept the green hordes at bay, with Dobbie, Malks and confused captain-for-the-day Kev dealing with most problems. Rod pulled a cracking birthday save and was sharper than you'd expect from someone so visibly overwhelmed by the excitement of his big day.

Soon the SLT midfield found its feet, Alan and Andy had the ball at their mercy, James and Dennis were always worrying away on the wings and new favourite Jamie started pulling the SLT strings. When the break through came it was richly deserved - Pel paying back the secretary's faith by slamming home after good play and a run off by FG before dummying the centre half and banging his debut goal...

The second soon followed, a swift passing move from the defence through the midfield, finding FG in space on the wing and (somehow, it was good but I'm not sure exactly what happened) the ball was moved by a deft touch from Pel and Jamie despatched it with aplomb into the bottom corner.

This was the cue for the Irish troubles to begin. Dennis was goaded into a confrontation with the willowy right-winger, a brave little man who screamed insults over his shoulder as he scurried to the other wing - where he sulked for the rest of the game.

In the second half it became clear that Ireland were truly divided, and would never rule. Constantly harping on about being fiddled, they produced little to distract themselves from the more entertaining pastime of squaring up to each other. Somehow they scored - this reporter is not the only one in the dark as to how, but backed up by the TV replays it was adjudged to have been a cross that somehow crept in the top corner, giving the birthday boy no chance - and it looked like they might make a (better aimed) fist of it.

They couldn't. One more attack, where Kid Gloves produced a great one handed save from a free kick, the SLTs counter attacked. Quick as a flash FG slipped the offside trap, comfortably finishing a simple SLT move involving players down the right. Now the SLTs had confidence, with every passing move ending in gilt edged chances...Blair scored his comeback goal, looking sharper and hungrier by the second, and then came the moment that the crowd had came for. Following a tactical substitution, Malcom Freeman, in the unaccustomed more attacking role, which he wore like a comfortable old overcoat, swept a loose ball home gleefully and produced the best celebration of the day.

Again the greens scored a bizarrely unexpected goal, but as the atmosphere heated up it was worrying to see FG go down as if he were shot. Had they brought snipers? Eventually the mystery ended in wild penalty appeals from FG, appeals which are probably still carrying on somewhere in a south London bedsit.

All that was left was to introduce the SLT's first youth program graduate, a 20 month year old named Ben, to the team - and the pub. Entertained by the antics of James and Malks, he was delighted to discover the singing fish - only James and Malks found it more amusing. He was happy, they were happy, the fish was singing and the SLTs - unlike the irish - had no tears before bedtime.


*this reporter is not entirely sure why FG insisted that number 2 was the striker's jersey - perhaps only he can say.

** in fact this reporter is not sure of some - many - of the details due to a eve-of-match warm-up of cheap alcohol and shocking breakdancing.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Jamie


SLT`s GET FIRST WIN OF THE SEASON

South West London Tangerines Dundee United Supporters Club FC 2 -
Bristol City 1

Date: 15th September 2002
Attendance: 2
Referee: their manager

After storming Division 3 last season, the SLT's had yet to make a name for themselves in rarefied atmosphere of Division 2. Confidence was further eroded by the groundsman, who not only refused to recognise the SLT's, on at least 10 occasions, but went on to deny that we were even booked to play on Sunday.

The omens worsened when a rumour began to circulate that SLT newcomer
Scouse Andy had run back to Liverpool to sell the shirts - a plan that was soon thwarted after a number of phone calls and the threat of violence from Ant.

All of this was of no consequence as the SLT's took to the field, buoyed by the stirring sight of FG on the touchline. Right from the start this was clearly a match for winning and it was a far more composed looking team that carefully probed the Bristol goal in the opening 20 mins. Rarely under threat, the SLT's took a deserved lead from the spot, with new signing Neil M repeating his Klinsmann-esque acrobatics of the previous match. Cometh the hour, cometh captain tonks who despatched the kick emphatically. As confidence increased
there was good work from all on highly questionable playing surface.

The second goal duly arrived when Ben, a journeyman pro who's contract was recently snapped up by the SLT's, flicked on a towering throw from the right, outmuscled the remaining defender and neatly slotted the ball past the keeper. 2-0, and plenty more in the tank.

The second half started brightly, but spirits were dampened as the boys from Bristol hit back from a corner. A disappointing lapse from an otherwise solid defence. Tension was high for the rest of half, but the SLT's goal, guarded by the stand in newcomer James (The Cat), labelled Calamity James by some pundits and himself, was never really threatened.

The biggest cheer of the day greeted the season's first appearance of the talismanic FG, who showed a few deft touches (for a big man) and provided most of the entertainment for the rest of the afternoon - both on the pitch and off it.

As the final whistle went, the feeling was that the SLT bandwagon was finally back in gear - at least second gear as James would have it. As this reporter left, even the confused groundsman couldn't fail to recognise this outfit. " The SLT's" he muttered, smiling, "The SLT's.......".



MAN OF THE MATCH: GLEN


ARSENAL SWOOP FOR ROOKIE KEEPER

ARSENE WENGER is set to make SLT goalkeeper Fraser Gourlay his third summer signing - and take Arsenal's close-season spending past the £20million mark. Gourlay is Wenger's choice to battle it out with David Seaman for the number one jersey at Highbury next season.

There was the familiar "we never comment on transfer speculation" response from Highbury over Gourlay but SLT chairman Gregor Dobbie admitted Arsenal had "made a substantial offer."
Dobbie added: "We have given permission for Fraser to speak to Arsenal about personal terms and we understand these talks are taking place."

Gourlay, who made his full debut against Frost And Sullivan a week ago, is set to move from the supporters league with the SLT`s into the Champions League with Arsenal despite signing a new three-year Battersea Park contract at the end of the season.

Iain Miller said, "Ideally we wanted to keep him and, candidly, the move is unwelcome, but if a deal is concluded by early July we have contingent plans in place to replace him before the start of the season."

Could this be the chance for Burns to retain the goalies jersey next season ?

South London Tangerines will not be deserting their spiritual home of Battersea after ruling out a move to Wimbledon greyhound stadium.

The South London poxy student charity league club left Dundee in 1998 and
currently share Battersea Stadium with 326 pub teams and a power station made famous on the cover of a Pink Floyd LP.

Executive chairman Iain Miller told London's Evening Standard on Wednesday that it would be too expensive to redevelop the greyhound stadium.

"Financially it does not work," he said. "Also, to combine a football and greyhound stadium is not practical. They have races there on Tuesday and
Saturday evenings and several members of our team have major gambling problems. Retractable seating would be needed too, in order to accomodate some players of larger carriage, and operationally you just cannot make it work. We have to draw a line under Fraser Gourlay's problem."

Miller also rejected the possibility of groundsharing with Queens Park Rangers at Loftus Road.

"The only way we would consider Loftus Road would be if Rangers had ceased to exist or had moved away, but we would not want to be a party to either of those things," he said.

"Now we have to sit down and think about where we go from here. Merging is not the right way and we have to find a solution which allows SLT's to play
in its own stadium as a bunch of monkeys."

SLTs BACK WITH A BANG!

It was a walk in Battersea Park for the South London Tangerines on Saturday morning as the tangerines run amok against a disappointing Frost and Sullivan side.

The research analysts couldn't have forecast a 15-2 mauling but that was the scoreline run up, thanks mostly to a finishing masterclass from comeback kid Blair Robertson. The dashing young Glaswegian bagged eight goals in his first game for over a month and made off with the man of the match award and a couple of blonde lovelies at the end of the game. Frost and Sullivan were in total disarray throughout the game, seeming to lack any coherent strategy and there was a suggestion that there central defence didn't know each others' names.
Not so the SLTs who displayed some wonderful passing football from start to finish and oozed as much confidence and composure as eleven Charlie Millers. Two SLTs took the opportunity to grab their first ever goals for the side, Laingy with a thunderbolt of a volley that nearly burst the net and Malky who finished superbly after a fine move. Other highlights were a cheeky second half hat-trick from Max Walker, a late running arrival from Ali Merry and a Glen Tonkin free kick that knocked a squirrel out a tree.
All in all, a very satisfying return to form for the SLTs. With the suggestion of a match-up with our Charlton sister club and Kev's work in the offing, the scene is set for another unbeaten run.

SLT`s WIN BUT LOSE CLOTHES!

Chaos At Battersea As Players Stripped Of Kit

The SLT`s have won the first game for months but it descended into chaos when their supporters invaded the pitch at the Battersea Stadium with six minutes of their crucial friendly with Frost and Sullivan remaining.

With the SLT`s leading 15-2, hundreds of jubilant fans from the capital converged on the pitch and many of the home players had their shirts, shorts and boots taken off them.

Fans and viewers on the sidelines were treated to the bizarre sight of SLT players standing around in varying states of undress, with defender Malcolm Freeman in particular cutting quite a figure in nothing but his underpants. Play was held up for fifteen minutes and the game finished 15-2, giving the SLT`s the victory.


STEWART FURIOUS AFTER SLT "NIGHT OUT"

William G Stewart described himself as "absolutely livid" this morning after details emerged of yet another SLT night out. A large SLT contingent allegedly downed imported beer and sang 'Suspicious Minds' in a trendy wine bar just a Malky Freeman goal kick away from Stringfellows. One member was also seen in a seedy bar chatting up Brazilian lovelies and smacking random girls on the arse.

"When will these motherfuckers learn?" blasted Stewart today on the doorstep of his luxury townhouse. The TV host was dressed lavishly in black silk pyjamas and a sensational diamond studded cravet. He drew heavily on a French cigarette as he continued,

"This doesn't surprise me, this sickens me. Was Freeman there?"

When we confirmed the presence of the much-maligned SLT secretary, Stewart shook his head and even managed a rueful grin,

"I knew it, I just knew it. That absolute motherfucker"
SLTs to keep their Burns Unit

Goalkeeper Rod Burns has insisted he will not be asking to leave the SLTs despite becoming understudy to Fraser Gourlay for this weekend's game against Frost and Sullivan.

Burns, who lost the number one jersey after being sent off in training last week, has proven he has a volatile temperament. His elbowing and 'rushing' of opponents has become a real worry for the SLT management team, despite endearing him to the fans. But the former Monifieth man is keen to stay put and fight for his place.

Gourlay has had discussions with the club concerning a new three-year deal but this is yet to be concluded due to knee fears and Burns may see this as an opportunity to re-establish himself.

Meanwhile midfielder, Matt Crawford, has so far refused to sign a two-year extension to his current contract.

"I'm not signing anything until I see the team for Saturday", said the young Geordie, holding a tray of black drinks.


STEWART DEMANDS AN SLT VICTORY ON SATURDAY

Genial television host William G Stewart has once again stepped up his war of words with the South London Tangerines by demanding three points in Saturday's close season freindly against Frost and Sullivan, "The salesmen must be taken down, "said a clearly rattled Stewart last night, "They must be taken down to Chinatown". The housewives' favourite, who is swiftly becoming the nemesis of beleagured SLT secretary Freeman, continued, "Today's revelations about the actions of a certain SLT backs up my recent comments. They are reprobates, scum if you like, they should be horse-whipped to a man and as for Freeman," Stewart rolled his eys and held up his palms, "These are for Freeman" he said quietly, smirking into his cravat. Upon closer inspection Stewart appeared to have had his palms tattoed with the SLTs 2000-2001 results. The 8-1 mauling by KPMG was highlighted in red. Stewart closed his hands slowly and shut his eyes as he continued, "Battersea Park, Saturday morning and the SLTs walk off the pitch triumphant.... " he opened his watery eyes lazily and stared at us as he concluded, ".....at fifteen minutes to one".


FREEMAN TO ENFORCE CONTROVERSIAL BAN

Malcolm Freeman, secretary of the South London Tangerines has brought in a controversial "no birds" ban on club outings.
Only three weeks ago Freeman enforced the rule when the club spent the afternoon studying the Scottish Cup final game between Celtic and Hibs. The team spent most of the afternoon discussing the tactics of the teams and putting together potential formations for next season.
Freeman has decided yet again that this weekends club trip to Epsom races being funded by flambuoyant chairman Gregor Dobbie is a no women zone. Freeman told us "I don`t want a team of Frank Macavennie`s, I`m fed up of you press people following me, why don`t you get out of my bedroom."
Col, one team member said, "I don`t think I will be able to attend the club outing now that this rule has been brought in, I spent all last weekend with three birds, but I suppose there is a chance of pulling when I`m there and getting a quickie in the bushes."

SLT`s accused of 'throwing cash away'

St Johnstone chairman Geoff Brown has launched a scathing attack on newly-promoted South London Tangerines summer spending spree. Brown, accused the supporters league debutants of 'throwing money down the drain'.
And he claimed that the SLT`s, who are now scouring the Continent for new talent, won't benefit from the cash injected by chairman Gregor Dobbie and fellow benefactor Iain Miller.

'The SLT`s have been throwing money about and there's no way it will pay,' said Brown. 'If it does, it will be the first time it's paid to throw money down the drain. That's what it all boils down to, I'm afraid.

'How many clubs have tried this in the past and lived to regret it? Did no-one listen to John Boyle last season when he decided to cut his losses and pull in the reins at Motherwell?

'I thought I had detected a sea-change among chairmen last term and hoped common sense would prevail over the summer as clubs prepared for the new campaign.

'But I've been amazed to see what's happening at the SLT`s. It's really quite astounding. They are paying silly money to players coming in.'

FREEMAN "FINE" FOLLOWING FIVES FLOP!

The SLTs were in reflective mood today after a five a side display that bordered on the bizarre. Both tangerine teams put up below-par displays, losing all but two games between them and sending the ever-expanding SLT fan base home with little to shout about. There have been the usual calls for Malky Freeman to resign following another black day for the club, which has now not won a game of any sort for a good few months. However, it appears that everyone who took part in the tournament has to take some blame,

Kev Thompson, usually such a consistent performer in the much-maligned SLT rearguard summed up his performance as,

"rubbish"

Thompson blamed a night of heavy drinking for his poor play, something the fans will find a bitter pill to swallow.

Striker Ali Merry did not enjoy his day out,

"Football wise not much to say, in fact I`m not sure that was football"

Merry hinting there at a possible unfriendly atmosphere in Norbury's finest Sports Centre. The young lad, a former member of The Shadows, went on to conclude that the whole experience had been,

"horrible".

Rod Burns came in with a few contraversial comments:

"After being moved into the "stiffs" B for Beefcake team I would say the only person we can blame for the disastrous results is Freebar.
G tried his hardest to bring some flair into the game with flicks and belly showing but it was to no avail as we were pumped in three out of four games. Louey showed his ability up front as he scored a double in our only victory.
J.C blew our last game with a schoolboy error, kicking the ball while outside
his area. Most amusing moment for everyone except me had to be when I was
hit square in the puss by a flying ball (not G`s)."

Iain Miller added his two cents:

"They were a disgrace to the club, the fans and more importantly
themselves. There was no backbone or fight to the team whatsoever, and we
were guilty of simply going through the motions in an end of season stroll
in the sunshine. Flamboyant Dobbie & I will not tolerate performances like
that, and we have let the squad know this. To the credit of the players
involved they undertook the clubs and supporters costs for the whole day."

Malky Freeman's more weighty summary of the tournament will shock a lot fans with its slightly cocky and defiant note, surely at odds with the wooden spoons currently on show in the SLT trophy room,

"All in all, it was a disappointing day at the office for the South London
Tangerines select teams in the annual APSFCIL 5-a-side tourney in the south
of London. Cursed by two tough groups, both were unable to hold there own in
the heat of summer, with both teams recording a solitary win out of 4 in
their group games.

The first team comprising of Malky, Kev, Ali, Blair, Glen and Jamie were
unlucky in their opening two matches. Beaten by the Boro 1-0, they were then
kicked off the park against the horrible Huns before going 2-1 (with Glen
kissing the badge as he ran off limping after scoring). This game was
followed up by a 6-3 trouncing by the SLTs on the Aberdeen select (Malky and
Blair bagging a brace apiece with Glen and Ali knocking one each)...before
Doncaster did a demolition job of their own, banging 7 passed the hapless
James with no reply.

The SLTs second team was made up of 100% Beefcake and had Messrs Dave C,
Figo, G, JC, Rod and "The Bald Hammer" trying to overcome their more manly
opponents. Their results were as follows:
1-3 v Hibs (Figo opening the scoring before the eventual winners of the
tourney Hibs nabbed three. Rod got a full pelt ball to the puss)
3-2 v Gers (Double from Louey and a lucky drive by Coleiro saw the shed boys
come up trumps)
0-3 v Plymouth (Absolutely trounced - nuff said)
0-1 v York City (J.C disgraceful penalty given away"

Thanks Malky, and well done on your brace.

Where now for the SLTs? Answers to the usual address.
Forsyth: Miller is a lot better than me

Neil Forsyth, the player tagged Scotland's latter-day Jim Mcinally, admitted yesterday that the SLT's Iain Miller became his role model in the aftermath of the game against KPMG.

Although SLT's Forsyth was the player who finished with a goal, he admits that playing with the former president was a very humbling experience.
Yesterday, Forsyth admitted: 'I learned a lot from the KPMG game. I learned that Iain Miller is a lot better than me.
'He's a great player. You don't realise how fit he is. He has everything as a player and he just dictates the pace of the play. I try to watch as many of his games as I can because he is exciting to watch.
'He's a role model for me. He made me realise that I can become a lot fitter and be more composed on the ball. When you're 22 and have played a limited number of matches, then you can improve on every aspect of your game. Miller, at 26, is that bit older and stronger.
'He started off defending and then making some dangerous runs forward. I hope there will be some good battles between us in the future. I did have the consolation of a goal.'
Forsyth admitted that he had been determined to go out at the Battersea Stadium and grab the game by the throat. 'Unfortunately, Miller doesn't let you do that,' he said. 'I finished up trying to stop him running the match and he got the better of me that day.

STEWART SLATES SLT "REPROBATES"

William G Stewart, well known television presenter and housewives
favourite, has continued his attack on the SLTs. This time it is not the
lack of fixtures that is getting the spectacle and cravat wearing
grandfather's goat, but their off-field behaviour.

"When I heard that Joe Royle had been sacked because of his installation of
a 'pub culture' at Man City I laughed so hard that I very nearly followed
through" said the ageing lothario last night.

"How, oh how, can the papers condemn this when, right on their doorsteps,
there is a South London outfit who are a bunch of absolute jokers. They
gamble, drink, smoke waccy baccy and chase loose women EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THEIR LIVES".

By now Stewart was clearlt rattled, sweating profusely and he took his
fedora hat off as he deliverd his killer line,

"They are scum and I will not stop until I take them down, even though I
know that when I take them on it will be fifteen to one".


THE PRESIDENT SPEAKS OUT.....

SLT President Iain Miller has finally broken his silence on the long-running SLT Summer Showdown Scandal. The debate about the SLTs lack of fixtures has provoked a lot of comment and hot-headedness from such notables as William G Stewart (a good friend of the SLTs) and Ronnie Corbett. Miller, however, was less clear about what side of the matter he took when he finally commented today, "What the f*ck is this all about?" Miller shouted angrily at us in a supermarket carpark in South London. The President appeared weighted down with shopping bags full of popular barbecue foodstuffs. Where now for the SLTs and President Miller?

CORBETT JOINS IN SLT ATTACK

Ronnie Corbett has joined William G Stewart in attacking the SLTs for their lack of upcoming fixtures. Stewart made his move yesterday (see below) and Corbett was quick to join his television colleague in voicing displeasure, "Billy Stewart is absolutely spot on with this one, it's a disgrace that they don't have nay games organised, an absolute disgrace" said Corbett last night. Speaking on the front step of his caraven near Carnoustie, Corbett wore a tartan dressing gown and tight yellow cycling cap as he continued, "I'm not saying that they (the SLTs) are a bad bunch of lads but after what happened against KPMG I'd like to have seen some fixtures that woudl have helped the team gel. The Director of football reminds me of a hot air balloon, he's full of hot air and he's always carrying a basket". Corbett sighed deeply and looked at his slippers as he continued, "You know. I've made some mistakes in my life, who hasn't? But I'd hate to see those lovely, lovely young boys go down that road. It's not nice, not nice at all". When asked if he had any ideas on how the club could move forward, however, Corbett's mood hardened, "What would I know about that?" he shouted, dropping his mug and throwing his arms into the air, letting his dressing gown fall to the ground revealing himself in all his naked glory, "I'M THE MAN!" he shouted jumping gingerly on his toes, with his hands tightly wedged on his hips, "I'M THE MAN, THE TV MAN, I'M THE MAN, THE TV MAN!" he chanted in his distinctive voice With that Corbett bounced past us and off down the lane, towards Monifieth and on his back his SLT tattoo looked magnificent on his olive white skin. Where now for the SLTs?

SLTs IN SUMMER SLOWDOWN SHOCKER


The SLTs are becoming increasingly "lethargic" and are starting to resemble
"a sleeping bull" according to television legend William G Stewart. The
genial quiz show host, who has become firm friends with the SLTs since a
chance meeting in Wraxhall, has spoken out as the close season arrives.

"How many games have they played this season?" asked a clearly irate
Stewart last night,

"Seven? Eight? They've hardly pushed themselves. Ok, they make look all
fancy-dan with their new strips and all, but if they want to do the
business on the park they've GOT to get some more games under their belt.
Eleven men don't make a team, after all".

Stewart memorably joined the SLTs for a karaoke session but he was in only
in the mood for a chorus of abuse as he continued his blast,

"The SLTs think that its all beer and skittles. Well, it's not. They got
destroyed by KPMG and what did they do? F*ck all that's what".

Surprising language from the housewives favourite, and he wasn't finished,

"All the Director of Football does is talk about games getting 'sorted' but
I'm still waiting. And as for the Vice Captain, he still owes me for one
microphone, those things aren't cheap you know".

When asked what he thought the chances were of the SLTs having a game in
the next month, Stewart smirked before replying,

"Fifteen to one son, fifteen to one".

WILLIAM G STEWART IN KARAOKE SHOCKER

Popular television host was at the centre of a riddle last night after
allegations that he had been working as a karaoke compere in the Bristol
area. Regulars at The Battleaxes in Wrakhall claim that Stewart
co-ordinated a karaoke there on Sunday afternoon.

"It was him all right" said a Geordie boy with a tray full of black drinks.

Stewart refused to comment last night.

GOURLAY DEFENDS "TRAMP EJECTION"

As British Transport Police slowly close their net around South-East London, Fraser Gourlay has leapt to the defence of the now-infamous Train Ejection Squad (TES).

"Quite simply" gasped Gourlay last night from his secret location, "we did nothing wrong".

The whereabouts of Gourlay and the rest of the gang is a mystery. It has been widely reported that TES split up at Paddington Station shortly after the "operation" and the authorities have admitted they would be very surprised if any of the gang were still in the country.

Gourlay was desperate to put the record straight,

"The SLTs boarded a train only to find a pikie trying to join in the fun and
games, we banned him from our carriage, and sent him off to the tune off
"you live in wheely bin". But the pikie kept coming back- and he was annoying other passangers in the carraige we had banned him to. This was too much for the South London boys to take and 3 of them grabbed the pikie out of his chair, dragged him along the floor and threw him off the train at Reading. I announced to the crowd, "no need to thank us we are the south london tangerine crusty busters" , I think there might have been applause."

At this point there was a prolonged beeping and Gourlay let his master criminal mask slip slightly by announcing, "b*llocks, I`ve run out of guilders", perhaps offering a lifeline to his pursuers. Knowing the genius of TES, however, it is likely to prove a red herring.


FURIOUS FREEMAN HITS BACK, MONEY MEN GIVE SUPPORT

Under-fire SLT Director of Football last night hit back at his critics and sent them a very clear message,

"I'm not going!"

Freeman has become a target for some SLT followers following Sunday's drubbing but has crucially kept the support of Messrs Miller and Dobbie, the money men behind the SLTs.

Yesterday afternoon, Miller and Dobbie held an impromtu press conference in a jacuzzi in South London. Surrounded by bikiki-clad men and women, the two wore fedora hats and large shaded spectacles whilst declaring that Freeman's job was safe,

"He has my support" said Dobbie simply whilst drawing heavily on a large cigar and giggling softly as a small monkey tickled him under his chin, the animal allegedly a present from a well known soap star.

"He is a friend and I am behind him. I AM BEHIND HIM" half-shouted Miller, jabbing his finger as he made his point. Miller was dressed entirely in black silk and looked sensational with his hair rolled into tight dreadlocks as he slipped slowly back beneath the bubbles.

It was undoubtedly this level of support that led to Freeman's confidence last night when he made his announcement from his balcony in Earlsfield. The mob of angry fans below, who had earlier burnt an effigy of Freeman while chanting, "Freeman must go, Freeman must die" and "Malky, Malky, Malky, why, why, why" were stunned into silence by Freeman's confidence. He swaggered onto the balcony wearing an ill-fitting tangerine sarong and Paul Sturrock's club tie before launching into an angry defence of his Directorial talents. Finally, he won the crowd and as they disappeared for the 45 minute walk to earlsfield train station they could be heard to sing,

"Malky must stay", an incredible about-turn.

Freeman was clearly smiling as he returned to his Spaghetti Bolognese, ironically not his favourite dish. His favourite is Cheese Macaroni which he has every Thursday night without fail. Once at a dinner party, Freeman jokingly told the shocked table that he would marry "Cheesa Macaroni, an Italian girl who lives in my cupboard". Unfortunately, no one at the table appeared to find the 'joke' amusing and there was a very uncomfortable silence, with Freeman leaving shortly after, muttering his apologies.

Where now for the SLTs?

THE PRESIDENTS ELEVEN

Rod Burns - Threw the floppy disks out of his mainframe after suffering a
fatal overload late on. Will be hoping that he can quick fix our frailties
by a simple "log-off and log-on" of our problematic defence before the next
outing. (4)

Gregor Dobbie - flamboyant stopgap centre half did well, especially with
him having to make the huge adjustment from the leotard to those G-sized
shorts. Must have felt like a home from home out there, what with a horse
beside him, a matt in the middle and a couple of swinging bars later on.
(5)

Malky Freeman - fat men can't jump, unless they hole from the sand on the
SLT's golf outing. Five yards off the pace, which is quicker than he's ever
been. (4)

Figo - A rock at the back. Very unfortunate that the delayed kick off meant
that he had to miss the last twenty minutes for his 2pm facial appointment.
(5)

Glen - would have run his socks off if they weren't so tight. Failed to get
booked, and missed his sparring partner Kev. (5)

Forsyth - two pinpoint passes provided simple goals in the second half,
while he looked offside on his goal late on. Unfortunately seemed to be at
a loss all game, struggling to spread anything successfully. (4)

Matt - Very unlucky with a couple of efforts, the fiesty foreigner chased
like a dog after a rat. Seemed to "Settle-Inn" well, and the SLTs could do
worse than to raid his former club and tie up the Running Man. (6)

Laingy - out of position, out of his mind. Lesser men might have tried to
"throw in" the towel, but he couldn't. (3)

Dave - outstanding distrubution and great marking. If we'd been playing in
blue against the tangerines. (4)

G - huffed and puffed but couldn't blow the KPMG house down. There was
little danger of the weightlifter celebration being spotted on Sunday,
spent a lot of the game with his head in his hands. (4)

Ali - The sunhatted terrior was shaded out by the KPMG rear-guard.
Struggled to keep the ball in play, had major problems with anything over
his head and his service was poor. Needs to work with his coach Dorothy on
hacking & developing a crisper volley. (5)

The President

ACTING CAPTAIN'S RATINGS

BROWNIE

The big man recovered from an apparatus disaster to pull off some wonder
stops. For a horrible moment it looked like he would be wearing a shellsuit
top without a zip but it was in a maroon t-shirt that he pulled off a great
save from the head of a hooligan.

MALKY - MAN OF THE MATCH

Possibly his best performances for the SLTs, cleared off the line and gave
it his all. Some wonderful shouting and despairing gestures. Bottle of
Bolly for Malky.

MATTY

Had a quietly effective game, marred by an effiminate push on one of the
hooligans.

LAURENCE

The youngster was in great form, cocksure and quickfooted, the boy wonder
had a stormer.

LOU

Did well in his first 11 a side game for ten years, always good to recruit
a left footer.

JESSEL

Put in a good display on either flank, nearly had his leg broken.

MATT

The lovable Geordie was a powerhouse as always, was last seen just outside
the box looking for the remains of his right shin

FRASER

Proved his critics wrong with a strong midfield performance, rattled the
bar and he (maggie) may have done enough to keep the position

GARETH

The languid Londoner did very well. If he had been more laid back he would
have been horizontal

JOSS

The dimpled cheeked charmer covered every blade of grass and took his
chance well.

ACTING CAPTAIN FORSYTH

Missed two sitters and scored a belter, am I the new Sergio?

KEITH

Good and pacy on the pitch, hopeless with a flag in his hand



BATTERED IN BATTERSEA

Under fire SWLT director of football Malcolm Freeman last night insisted
there was no way he would resign in the wake of a humiliating defeat at the
hands of KPMG.

Fans called for Freeman to go after the accountants whipped his team -
controversially experimenting with a 3-5-2 formation - 7-1 at Battersea
council pitches.

Last night the grim faced gaffer denied all responsibility for the tactical
cock-up, insisting that it was the brainchild of meddling vice-captain Neil
Forsyth.

The "boy wonder" in return tried to offload blame onto his manager, claiming
players froze due to shock at the poor stitching on their brand spanking new
strips."

Forsyth said, "I feel that the team were unsettled by the poor tailoring of
the new strips. I was prepared for this, having rehearsed in my new kit at
training. I was mocked at the time, but look who's laughing now."

Freeman denied ordering the kits from an Ayrshire sweatshop, in the process
increasing his own mark-up on the manufacturing costs. "I will not resign,"
he slavered.

A club insider last night claimed that both were on the verge of being
ousted in a dramatic coup. Unsettled striker Iain Miller, furious at having
only got three touches of the ball during the KPMG debacle, is one of those
who is expected to put his name forward as a replacement.

The club is also expected to step up its search for a new goalkeeper after
current custodian Rod Burns put up little resistance to the rampant
accountants.

SLTs TO MAKE MERRY AGAINST KPMG

New SLT signing Ali Merry came out fighting last night and promised the SLT fan club one thing, goals! The Broughty Ferry boy, who's house sits imperiously high above the small fishing village like a medieval castle, knows why he has been brought into the club and does not sound like he is going to shirk the challenge,

"It's the big games like these that I've come to this club for. I've been brought in to score goals and I just hope to repay the gaffer's faith on Sunday. KPMG look like a good side and there's no doubt it'll be a tough encounter, but I think I've joined a club that relishes the big occasion, so come Sunday we'll be ready. pony".

Words like that will have the sleeping support of the SLTs reaching for their tangerine tammies come Sunday morning for sure. It is suspected that Ali will partner his former tennis foe Iain "Slice" Miller in a two pronged attack dream team, this will of course be confirmed this afternoon when the team is announced through the site. Ali and Iain are both natural athletes after being young disciples of Dorothy Proctor, Tennis Doctor, an all-sport
guru from near the Glamis Road. Readers of the tabloids may remember the furore that followed Ali's defection to none other than former Shadows' frontman Cliff Richard's tennis school. Last night, neither Dorothy or Cliff were available for comment, and the suggestion that Cliff teams up with the SLTs for one final stab at a Christmas No.1 went unanswered.




CAN THE SWLTs' ACCOUNT FOR KPMG?


The South West London face an intriguing test of their capabilities this
Sunday when they face up to a KPMG select 11 at Battersea Park astroturf,
k/o 12pm.


The high noon showdown is the SWLTs' first outing since their exhibition
match in Nailsea and will therefore be less emotional, but more
professional, than the latter.

Today, we caught up with SWLT Captain Neil Campbell who was in thoughful
mood regarding the game,

"I think Sunday's game will provide our toughest test to date. Such is the
importance of a good performance, in terms of team morale and the future of
our fledgling club, I would even go as far as suggesting an alcohol and sex
ban on Saturday night - which I will personally police".

Controversial words from the playboy skipper, and clearly something he has
been wanting to get off his chest for a while.

"As far as the team goes, I think we are all excited at the prospect of
seeing new signing Ali Merry team up with the Weightlifter up-front. Both
have been stunning in training. I must admit, however, that I am slightly
concerned regarding the physical condition of the Secretary after an untold
number of alcohol binges in the past weeks. Our team doctor, Steve Bell,
will of course test him for any traces of alcohol before the game".

The captain was just as stern as he continued,

"There will of course be no excuses come Sunday. The pitch is in fantastic
shape, we will be parading in our new strips, in front of about 1,500
travelling fans. I would encourage against complacency however - KPMG
are a known force and we are definitely the underdog in this fixture".

Then, with the sly smirk which is becoming famous throughout the land,
Campbell added,

"I am sure we will not disappoint".

The team for this mouth-watering fixture is to be released through the
website tomorrow, whilst Friday's Your Say will deal with the match
build-up (see Your Say section for details).


COLEIRO BLASTS "AMATEURS"
Dave Coleiro blasted the South West London Tangerines last week branding them "a bunch of slackers."
With his hands on his hips he told us "the team turned up 10 minutes late for training last week, it is unacceptable," adding "the boy they call the webmaster can`t even get our team photos up on the website, what a prick."
This adds to the unrest in the camp after recent allegations by Malcolm Freebar over alleged match fixing by Fraser Gourlay.
Dave finished by saying "oh come on, for f*** sake boys."

FORSYTH FEELS FOOLISH AFTER KIT DONNING DISASTER

SLT's Neil Forsyth was left bewildered and angry after being "tricked" by Dave Coleiro (Secretary) and Iain Miller (President) into wearing his new
SLT strip to training last night.

"They both said they would be wearing theirs but when I arrived I was the only one" said a furious Forsyth, "what made it worst is that Dave was wearing a Barcelona top, one of our great European rivals".

To rub salt in the wound, Gregor Dobbie (Manager) unfairly accused Forsyth of "attention-seeking" in his donning of the new strip. All in all, an
infuriating night for the vice-captain, "I'm not happy but it's forgotten now, after all we're all United fans".